Confidence is a topic I never envisioned writing about, considering my previous struggle with it. My insights are personal reflections rather than expert advice, emerging from my journey. For years, I masked my insecurities with quick wit, leaving a party early, or, regrettably, by going on the offensive.
However, in the past few years, a significant shift in my perspective has led me to a personal realization. I sought power, and confidence was the byproduct.
Uncertain if this is worth sharing, I write for my children, determined to leave them a legacy of introspection and growth. So, let’s dive into my thoughts.
Most people chase confidence directly. They read books about it, practice affirmations, or try to “fake it until they make it.” But I have come to believe they are targeting the wrong thing entirely or, at least, I was when I targeted self-confidence.
Confidence is not something one constructs. It is something that emerges naturally when one recognizes and exercises the power one already possess over life.
Once I looked in the mirror and decided this is who I am, and I’m not scared of who I am, and I’m not scared that I can’t be like you, and I’m good with just doing me, that’s when I found myself, as a man.
Kendrick Lamaer
The Choice Most People Miss
Here is what I have observed: people often do not realize they have a choice in how they respond to life’s inevitable challenges. A spouse says something hurtful, a child misbehaves, a diagnosis arrives. We react with emotion and haste rather than respond with kindness, empathy, and logic.
We tell ourselves we are “forced” to react this way because of our conditioning, often developed to protect ourselves even when there is no real threat. That reaction comes from a place of powerlessness, and powerlessness cannot generate genuine confidence.
Years ago, my young son Gabe wrote in a photo album. I overreacted in a way that still makes me cringe. When I finally asked him why he did it, he said he loved the way the pencil made sounds on the ridged paper. In that moment, I realized I had been powerless to myself. I had not operated as a father. I had simply reacted as someone who felt out of control. And because I was powerless to myself, I could not be confident as a father.
The Research Foundation
The scientific literature strongly supports this connection between personal control and confidence. Research on locus of control demonstrates that people with an internal locus of control (those who believe their actions influence outcomes) tend to have higher well-being, resilience, and better coping mechanisms than those who attribute outcomes to external forces.
Albert Bandura’s groundbreaking research on self-efficacy reveals that our belief in our capacity to execute behaviors and influence events forms the foundation of human motivation and accomplishment. As Bandura noted, “Unless people believe they can produce desired effects by their actions, they have little incentive to undertake activities or to persevere in the face of difficulties”.
Yet, here is the crucial distinction: Bandura defines self-efficacy as differing from colloquial confidence, explaining that “confidence is a nonspecific term that refers to strength of belief but does not necessarily specify what the certainty is about”. Self-efficacy is about believing in your capability to perform specific actions and influence specific outcomes.
The Space That Changes Everything
Viktor Frankl captured this principle perfectly: “Between stimulus and response there is a space. In that space is our power to choose our response. In our response lies our growth and our freedom”. The research on emotion regulation confirms this insight. Studies show that flexible emotion regulation, aka the ability to adaptively choose regulatory strategies based on situational demands, is associated with better psychological health and more effective coping.
Research on affective flexibility demonstrates that people who can shift their emotional responses according to changing situational demands show better adaptation to stressful events and improved recovery afterward. The key is not avoiding emotions but developing what researchers call “response flexibility,” the capacity to pause and choose your response rather than react automatically. I remind myself to respond with kindness, empathy, and logic rather than react with emotion and haste. (Oh, and I often still fail at this.)
Most people never find that space because they react too quickly. When someone hurts you, do you pause to ask, “Does this person truly disregard me so much that they would intentionally cause pain?” Often the answer is no. But even if it is yes, you still have power, specifically the power to respond in a way that aligns with your long-term goals rather than your immediate emotions.
“We refuse to let demons define us.”
Kids See Ghosts
The Power-Confidence Connection
Research demonstrates that people with higher internal locus of control experience lower illness-related psychological distress and are more resilient to external influences. Those with an internal locus of control tend to engage in healthier behaviors and experience better stress management because they feel their actions make a difference.
When I was diagnosed with multiple sclerosis, I had practiced finding that space enough times that my response felt like muscle memory. I took power by deciding how I would take charge of my response to the diagnosis. That recognition of choice – that exercise of power over my own thinking and response – created the confidence to move forward.
Bandura’s research shows that self-efficacy develops through four primary sources: mastery experiences, vicarious learning, social persuasion, and emotional states. I believe the most powerful source is mastery experience – successfully exercising control over your responses and outcomes.
Building Power, Building Confidence
This power develops gradually and often manifests first in areas where we have natural strength or experience. Research suggests that self-efficacy is domain-specific and can vary across different areas of life. For me, it started with technology and business decisions. But the principle applies everywhere: when you recognize you have power over your response, confidence often follows naturally.
The path forward requires brutal authenticity with yourself, including about your failures. I fucked up as a father in that moment with Gabe. But I used that failure and that expensive tuition to learn how I should have responded. Research on emotional regulation shows that the capacity to learn from setbacks and maintain emotional balance is a skill that can be developed through practice. I knew I had power to do better and be better. Practicing that led to a byproduct of more confidence as a father.
Studies comparing different emotion regulation strategies reveal that both cognitive reappraisal and acceptance can be effective, but the key is having the flexibility to choose the appropriate strategy for each situation. This flexibility comes from recognizing that you have options—that you possess the power to choose your response.
The Neuroscience of Choice
The neuroscience supports this framework: emotional regulation is primarily controlled by the interaction between the amygdala, which processes emotional stimuli, and the prefrontal cortex, which can exert top-down control over emotional responses. Research shows that this prefrontal control can be strengthened, allowing for more conscious regulation of emotional impulses. (I regret to inform my fellow biological males that we do not develop our prefrontal cortex until 25-28 years old as compared to females at 21-25 years old.)
As positive psychology research demonstrates, understanding the space between stimulus and response allows you to “better cope with everything else going on around you” while maintaining calm and choosing productive responses.
Moving Forward: From Powerlessness to Agency
The most profound insight from decades of research is this: people who believe they can influence their outcomes through their actions consistently demonstrate higher well-being, better performance, and greater resilience than those who feel controlled by external forces. That recognition and belief are power.
Focus on taking power and mastering your response to life. Practice finding the pause between what happens and how you react. Choose empathy, logic, and kindness, especially under pressure. Research suggests starting with simple practices: when emotions flare, take a breath and ask reflective questions like “What am I feeling? What are they feeling? What is real in this moment?”
Bandura’s extensive research shows that people with high self-efficacy approach goals and challenges differently. They view difficulties as challenges to master rather than threats to avoid. They set more ambitious goals, exert greater effort, and persist longer in the face of setbacks.
That is where real power lives. And once that power is in place, confidence follows naturally, not as something you fake or force, but as the inevitable result of knowing you can handle whatever comes your way.
The Stoics understood this thousands of years ago. Modern psychology has simply provided the empirical evidence for what they knew intuitively: we cannot control what happens to us, but we can always control our response. Stop trying to build confidence and start recognizing the power you already possess. Everything else follows from there.
Personal Note: I have paused hitting the “Publish” button on this multiple times. It comes from the fear and concern that I sound like I have everything figured out, especially around this topic. Let me be clear – I do not, and I may be 100% wrong.