For the 2019-2020 fiscal year, I had the honor of serving as Learning Officer for my local YPO chapter. The Learning Officer is responsible for creating the theme for the year and creating a calendar around that theme. The theme I chose was “Off Balance.” (My learning year and I would later be knocked off balance by a pandemic.) The theme choice stemmed from a deeply held belief: work-life balance is not just an illusion. It is a cultural lie that we have all been sold. The pandemic further revealed this lie for many people, as the lines between work and life blurred beyond recognition. As I have seen through my own experiences and those of others, balance, in the sense most people think of it, is not only unattainable but also harmful as a goal.
Let’s examine the two likely definitions of “balance” and how both definitions reveal that the concept is flawed.
Balance as “Remainder”
One possible definition of balance is “Remainder,” as in, “He carried what he could and left the balance for his brother to bring.” In this sense, balance refers to what is left after other parts have been taken away. If this is how we view work-life balance, it most likely implies work consumes the bulk of our time, energy, and focus, and life gets whatever scraps are left over.
This is an ugly definition that reflects a cultural overemphasis on work. Modern hustle culture glorifies overwork, encouraging people to sacrifice personal time and relationships in the pursuit of success. It suggests that we will prioritize work first and only give attention to life when time is left. I do not want to be so negative as to believe this is the mainstream understanding, but it does capture the reality for many people. If this is what people mean by “work-life balance,” then no wonder they are frustrated and burned out.
Balance as “Equilibrium”
The second definition we often hear about is “Equilibrium,” the idea of equal distribution of weight or amount between two opposing forces—in this case, work and life. At first glance, this sounds appealing. The notion that we can give equal time and energy to both is comforting. We imagine a perfect 8-hour split between work, family, and sleep.
Beautiful image, but let’s be real: life does not work that way.
Not only is this division impractical, but it is also misleading. That “8 hours of family” includes commutes, chores, errands, and other non-quality time activities that eat into what people imagine as personal life. In my own life, I’ve encountered many moments where the idea of equilibrium was impractical and impossible. Take a large work project, for example, such as when we did our first transaction at Contegix with private equity. Naturally, I needed to invest more time and energy into work during that period.
On the other hand, when my family faced my MS diagnosis, work needed to take a backseat. The majority of my attention was on my personal health and my family’s well-being.
What we really need is not balance but integration.
The Case for Work-Life Integration
Work and life are not two separate spheres that need to be balanced on a scale. Instead, they are interconnected. Sometimes, work requires more weight; other times, life demands more attention. What we seek is integration—how do we make the pieces of our professional and personal lives fit together in a way that honors our commitments and values?
This approach acknowledges that different seasons of life require different emphases. It permits us to put more weight on work during high-demand times and more weight on family or personal life when necessary. Integration means that we do not feel guilty when the scales tip heavily in one direction. It is about adapting, adjusting, and understanding the flow between work and life.
Personal Experience: Setting Priorities in My Life
A few years ago, when I joined a company (as an employee), I made my priorities clear to everyone involved, including the CEO. My life priorities, in order, were:
- Health: Without health, nothing else would go well. My ability to perform at work, be present for my family, or contribute to my community was tied to my physical and mental well-being.
- Family: My relationships with my wife and children came next. They were my core, and everything else I did was to support them and strengthen those bonds.
- Community: This included charity, my YPO commitments, and other ways I engaged with the world outside of work. Giving back has always been a crucial part of who I am. I journal every day: “I will strive to improve myself, my family, and my communities in order to make today great and tomorrow even better.”
Then, there was Slot #4. This spot was reserved for my professional endeavors. However, it was clear from the beginning that no matter what urgent or important task occupied Slot #4, it would never outrank the first three on a permanent basis.
This is the heart of work-life integration. Life’s demands shift constantly, and there will be times when work takes precedence. But those times are temporary, and the first three priorities—health, family, and community—are immovable. They define the framework within which everything else operates. By setting these boundaries, I ensured that no matter how hectic life became, I never lost sight of what mattered most.
Creating Work-Life Integration
So how do I foster this integration?
- Determine What Matters: It is not a “what.” I am crystal clear on what I hope my tombstone will say: “Husband. Father. Friend.”
- • Set Priorities, Not Timetables: Focus less on achieving a perfect daily schedule and more on what truly matters in both the short and long term. At home, what non-negotiables help me show up as the person I want to be? At work, am I clear on the key objectives that demand my attention?
- • Fluid Boundaries: Instead of rigidly separating work and life, I allow for fluidity. Some days, I may need to answer emails at night, while on others, I step away at midday for personal reasons. I extend the same flexibility to others. If I answer emails after hours, I decide if they need an immediate response. They likely do not, and I do not need an immediate reply. I schedule-send the emails. There is absolutely no need to treat email as synchronous.
- • Communicate Needs and Expectations: Open communication is crucial, irrespective of the audience – my family or my team. I am upfront about where my attention is focused at any given time and why, which fosters understanding and support.
- • Regular Reflection: Reevaluate frequently. What is working and what is not? Integration is not a one-time fix; it is an ongoing adjustment process.
Conclusion
Chasing the myth of work-life balance leaves us feeling like we are always falling short. Instead, embracing the reality of work-life integration offers a more honest, adaptable, and fulfilling approach to both our professional and personal lives. The goal is not a perfect equilibrium but a harmonious relationship where each part supports the other through the ebb and flow of life.